Raw Meat .. Nicola Batty's Newsletter.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

July 2012 Issue 142

Nicola's Editorial
I don’t know what’s happened lately to this terrible climate, but it seems to be a typical British Summer: cold, wet and generally shit. Hopefully we’ll get a bit of sunshine when we go down to Kent later this month. As for Manchester, I don’t like it at all, it’s the middle of summer but it’s still so grey and horrible. I’d really like to move away from here but it’s not possible, I’ll have to just keep on dreaming.
It seems like the safari has been put off until Winter as Andy thinks August will be too hot in Africa. I must say I had the same theory and am quite glad to wait, although I want to get out there so desperately. But I suppose he’s right to be patient because I don’t want to spoil it by being physically unhappy, so he’s right to wait a bit longer.
There is a strap which goes over my shoulder, around the front of me to stop me from falling on to my face. This strap is part of Ziggy and is very useful when fastened properly. One Saturday when my sister Suzanne came round, I didn’t put the strap on right and it got caught around my neck and so I became really stressed because I needed to sit up and couldn’t do so. I needed to get free, I was being crushed  and smothered. I became really upset and distressed and kept saying to Suzanne, please help me get free of this strap. I was so upset that I became totally incoherent so she couldn’t make out my words            but she was sufficiently worried that she called the doctor. Both the doctor and Suzanne thought I may be having some sort of heart attack and so sent me straight to hospital, which left me completely confused. I just lay there going on about this bloody strap and pleading for someone to take it off me. The nurse eventually found the strap and undid it and I was instantly relieved of the tension and could breathe again. From then on I just felt frustrated about having to go through all these tests, like chest x rays and things like that, I hate hospital, being cooped up when all I needed was fresh air and to breathe once again. Even though Suzanne came every day to see me I was very unhappy.
So when both Andy and Brigitte were there they got me dressed and sat me back in Ziggy, which felt so good after days spent lying in bed, totally unable to move or do anything for myself. When they took me outside and bundled me into a taxi, I couldn’t believe it. I was free at last and kept taking in great gulps of fresh air, which I needed so badly. I never needed to come home and be with Andy once more, as badly as I did then.
That was a few weeks ago but as I’m still getting the same feeing of being squashed down in Ziggy and desperately needing fresh air, I wonder what the truth is as everyone tells me there was never any strap around me. Indeed when I went out with Brigitte I became so distressed by being inside the house, I needed to get out into the fresh air and breathe, then I knew there was no strap but still the feeling remained. so now I wonder if maybe something may be wrong with my heart after all. I’m not frightened about this as I enjoy everything as much as possible and just as long as I have people around who will take the time to listen to my ramblings, I’m happy. I do still crave to go away and do other crazy things as far as my body will let me. perhaps I will just live inside my head from now on, until I die.
As I say this I’m laughing, but it seems totally crazy to be talking about my heart when I feel perfectly fit as far as my body is concerned, so it seems quite ridiculous to think that my body will ever let me down but I suppose it will someday, but not yet. So take no notice of me.
Just to prove I can’t be silenced I’m still alive and kicking very much kicking furiously back, as my own body has let me down. I might have imagined the strap as both Suzanne and Andy told me that it doesn’t even exist so I just don’t know what to think, am I going completely out of my mind? Perhaps I am but I’m sure this can’t be insanity maybe, it is but while I still have breathe in me I’ll still create just be patient. I’ll be back, I promise.
I’m afraid I’ve got absolutely nothing to say simply because it takes so much time and  physical effort for me to write anything new that I haven’t managed to write anything new I feel really depressed and frustrated by this not to mention angry why should this  be happening to me I can’t believe that it’s all over. However,  I have left a link to present you with a taste of  my old stuff. I used to be a novelist for god’s sake how can I be completely silenced by my fucking body. I still can’t even face the thought that I’ll be unable to create anything anymore, anyway there’s a chapter of Killing Time on my Weblog just to prove that I’m living on memories of how creative I have been years ago.
Welcome to Andy's bit...
Nic was in hospital for a few days the other weekend, she had been complaining that she had a tight belt around her chest, but there was actually nothing there. The paramedic’s who came to the house sent her to the hossie for tests.
I too am finding it difficult to find time for writing, in my case I have loads of ideas that I jot down on bits of paper, but I don’t think I’ve written anything up to my blogs for about a month now.
It’s Jack’s birthday this month, he’s going to be nineteen, can you believe it? So, Happy Birthday Jack!!!! Lots of love from Mum and Dad!!!
Many thanks for reading Raw Meat!
                                                  ****MORE IN AUGUST****


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